Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
