I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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