saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
