Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
