i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
