I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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