I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
