I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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