I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm always down for nudity.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
