and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
