Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
