textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
