it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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