Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
