Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
