I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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