Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
