he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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