Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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