there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.