his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Wipe that smile off your face.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
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He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem