oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
