I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
