i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
