I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
