Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
