Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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