I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
