I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
