He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
