is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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