Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
