she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
