P.S. I can't hear my feet
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
