apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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