:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
