Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
