I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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