I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
