dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
