I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I could make wine with my vomit
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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