You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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