My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
