Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
