I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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