I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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