Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
