I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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