He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
