We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
