I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
