Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He passed out mid-signature
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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