yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
